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How To Be Annoying (A Guide)
* Adjust
the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way.''
* Drum on
every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
*
Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew
anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
*
Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities
of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk
and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before
the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental movies.
*
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN
UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of
orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone
says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind,
it's gone now.''
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners
for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
*
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand
over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal
on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture
by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and repeat.
* Drive
half a block.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone
says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the
tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.
* Routinely handcuff
yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
* Follow
a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will
remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
*
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such
as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and
lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim
it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations,
and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ''interface''
with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior
mental processing.''
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament,
chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions,
and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
* Stare at static on
the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff
your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
*
Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct
elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with
it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
*
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
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